I come from a generation where we didn’t much talk about icky things like feelings or mental health.
One thing that occurred to me a few years back, is that when we think or talk about ‘mental health’, what mostly comes to mind is mental illness. Being unwell in a way that draws attention (your own, or that of other people) to your mental state.
That’s not what I’m talking about today.
The flip side of mental health is mental wellness, but it’s not a coin with only two sides. It’s a spectrum that runs in multiple directions.
While health and wellness are at opposite ends of that spectrum, there are extremes and there’s a middle-ground.
Mentally, emotionally, I’ve been somewhere in that middle-ground for the last six months or so.
Functional, but not as functional as I’d like. Not sick, not ill, but not exactly well either. Motivation has been low, and mood has been pretty flat. I’ve been ‘dopamine seeking’, which has meant a lot of scrolling, procrastination and gaming.
This all comes at a cost. Projects I care about, writing foremost among them, have languished, gathering dust.
This website has been another of those projects.
I’ve lived much of my life in that middle ground state of being. I know what it feels like when I’m well, and I really do get SO much more out of life during those times.
I also put much more into it.
It’s a cycle; the more I put in, the more I get out. The more I get out, the more motivation I have to put things in.
I get very motivated, I take on more tasks, more projects.
I hit a point where I get overwhelmed. Decision paralysis sets in. Progress slows or stalls, nothing is moving forward because there are too many things I could do, and for a while there, I try to do all of them. I can’t do all of them.
I end up doing none of them.
Despair, depression (situational, not clinical). Dopamine seeking, looking for that rush, that happiness.
Gaming, it seems, is perfect for me in this way. The rush of completing a task, completing a mission, reaching a milestone accomplishment.
It feels like achievement, because it is.
It’s just not an achievement that really matters to me. Not long term.
It IS fun though.
I made the rule for myself, a few months back, that if I’m gaming, I’m streaming it—that won’t change. Gaming has given me a lot of joy over the years, and in streaming my gaming time I get to share that joy with the people who find me and enjoy what I’m doing. I’ve made friends through gaming, and it has become my social time. I’m lucky enough to both be a member of a few communities of people I genuinely like and to have the start of one gathering around my gaming habits.
I do gain a lot by being part of these communities, so the gaming won’t be going away.
Reddit, Tiktok, Instagram. Even reading news websites. These are things I’m going to work on materially reducing. I’ll replace these with thinking more and my favourite way to think is in writing.
I’ve done a bit of this lately, particularly about this website.
The goal here, was to build a side-hustle business, in support of my writing work. Coaching and beta reading. That hasn’t really panned out. Blame Salesman Ozzy for really not being great at selling.
So, I’m pivoting here.
As of now, this website is more about me talking to anyone who’ll listen. It’ll become a bit more raw, a bit more blunt, a bit less driven in the direction of being ‘successful’.
I’m going to be more honest. Not that I’ve been lying to anyone—that’s not me—I have been wearing a mask though. Call it my ‘writing coach’ mask.
I’m taking the mask off.
Let’s see what that looks like, huh?
(p.s. The game streaming happens on twitch, evenings, NZ local time. If you don’t already, you’re welcome to join me: https://www.twitch.tv/ozzytopus)